ARTHUR'S MAN OF THE MONTH
President Andrew Jackson
There are times when I defend my choice for Man of the Month, but no defense is necessary with this monster of manliness. This month's "Man" is the Seventh President of the United States Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson. He is, without question, the manliest President in history and in my superior opinion, the manliest American since the dawn of the Republic.
Jackson's manliness began at an early age. He joined the Revolutionary effort at age 13 and was taken as a prisoner of war. Can you imagine this generations pissant 13 year olds doing anything but taking Ritalin and watching Hannah Montana? Fucking wasted generation... oh shit an off track tangent. Back to the sheer manliness of Andrew Jackson. While in captivity, a limey bastard Redcoat told Jackson to shine his boots. Jackson said "Piss off" (creative license) and the coward Brit slashed his face with a sword. Needless to say, Jackson was never a big fan of the British after that incident and this would shape his views on how to deal with Britain in the future.
After the American victory in the Revolutionary War, Jackson went on with his insane brand of badassery. He would study law somewhat informally and become a "frontier lawyer" which is probably most comparable to a modern warlord. In other words... he WAS the law. He was clearly successful as a "lawyer" as he was named Solicitor for what would become Tennessee. Upon Tennessee's inclusion as a state in 1796 he was elected as its Representative in the House. He would elected to the Senate in 1797 and resigned less than a year later. I can only imagine it was because the Senate was a bunch of do-gooders who Jackson had no respect for. So he went back to Tennessee and become a member of the Tennessee Supreme Court. During this time, he became a successful business man and plantation owner.
Being a justice in a state Supreme Court and wealthy business owner is plenty manly but it was not nearly enough for future President Badass so he signed on for some more war, killing and destruction. He would gain national hero status during the War of 1812. Jackson led an outnumbered US Army to victory over the British at New Orleans. Kill Count: Jackson's boys 291: Limey Tea-drinking Brits, 13. He was awarded the 1800s version of the Medal of Honor in 1815 for his manly dominance in the Battle of New Orleans.
Jackson got his revenge on the Brits who slashed his face as a teenager and moved on to the business of "Indian removal". Yeah... that's right, INDIAN REMOVAL! Ha, ha awesome. Modern multiculturalists and revisionists of course decry this policy as "inhumane, racist, insert weak word here" but the reality was that Indians had to be corralled and, in many cases, destroyed for America to reach its potential. Never mind that these Indians would still be living in the Stone Age without Europeans or that they now get to evade taxes and wantonly destroy native fish stocks all the while suckling on the federal government welfare tit. Long story short, Indian Removal was great and no one did it better than Andrew Jackson.
Obviously Indian Removal is great but it would take one more act of brazen manliness to ensure Jackson's eventual election to the Presidency. In 1817, Florida was still part of the Spanish Empire and the warring Indian factions were spilling over into Georgia so President Monroe sent Jackson to the area to end the problem. As any real man would, Jackson reasoned that the way to fix the problem was to simply seize Florida and make it part of the United States. So he went in, burned the Seminole villages to the ground and went to the capital of Spanish Florida and said "Hey Spanish Governor...your time is up, I rule this place now". Spain, being the cowards they are, allowed Jackson's masculine aggressiveness to scare them and ceded Florida to the US in 1821. He became the military governor immediately. I think we need to go through this again just for posterity. Jackson gets the order to stop the Seminoles from attacking into Georgia. He thinks to himself "Well, this is easy. I'll just conquer Florida, burn all the Indian villages and declare myself Governor of American Florida" and then goes and does it. That is manliness incarnate my friends.
He would run for President in 1824 and lose in what we would call a "backroom" deal. He won a plurality of the votes but not a majority and John Quincy Adams convinced another candidate to support him which shifted enough House votes for Adams to be named President. Jackson was not part of the Northeastern aristocracy so the people of the West and South saw this as a slap in the face. It was one of many happenings early in the Republic that would eventually lead to the Civil War. In 1828, Jackson would be back to stake his claim to the Presidency and defeated Adams handily.
Unlike so many before and after him, Jackson did not give up his manliness after becoming President. On top of being a pillar of masculinity, he was a damn good President. He was the only President to pay off the national debt. You listening to this Zero? The idea is to PAY DEBT DOWN....not add two trillion a year. Jackson was noted for his opposition to the National Bank. His reasons are prescient now...
- It concentrated the nation's financial strength in a single institution.
- It exposed the government to control by foreign interests.
- It served mainly to make the rich richer.
- It exercised too much control over members of Congress.
- It favored northeastern states over southern and western states.
Sound familiar? Side note... fuck the Fed.
The subject of the Indians was a primary issue during Jackson's time as President. Many whites called for extermination. Jackson stopped short of that but did say this to Congress.
"This emigration should be voluntary, for it would be as cruel as unjust to compel the aborigines to abandon the graves of their fathers and seek a home in a distant land. But they should be distinctly informed that if they remain within the limits of the States they must be subject to their laws. In return for their obedience as individuals they will without doubt be protected in the enjoyment of those possessions which they have improved by their industry."
This statement is manly genius. He says, in no uncertain terms, that Indians have a choice. Pick up and move beyond the borders of the US or live under our laws. Somewhere along the way, we pussed out and let them have reservations and separate law systems. Indian reservations are one of my pet peeves. If I were King I would say "All treaties with natives are null and void, the reservations are now public lands and all aid to the tribes ends today". Problem solved. Of course, Jackson is criticized now for the Indian Removal Act of 1830 where the US would buy the land and the Indians would be relocated outside the realm of the States. Anyone who criticizes this policy is a fucking coward. It was obviously the right thing to do... because we could do it. If the tables had been turned, there would have been no "treaties" only wholesale slaughter. The tribes today should thank the Europeans for their magnanimous stewardship.
Andrew Jackson was the first President to face physical attack and an assassination attempt. The assassination attempt was noteworthy for its lack of success. The man had two pistols who both misfired. After he was restrained, Jackson would attack him with his cane. Can you envision Zero doing that? He would probably offer the bastard some money and a position in the Cabinet because he is obviously "oppressed".
If I didn't know better I would think that Jackson was thinking "What is it going to take to be Arthur's Man of the Month one day?". Why do I say this? Well... on top of fucking Indians up, invading foreign lands, killing Brits and talking shit he was also a noted DUELER! A dueler? Yes... Jackson settled problems with gunfight duels. He is known to have participated in at least 13 duels with rumors of many more. In 1806, he challenged a man to duel and told the guy HE COULD SHOOT FIRST! Out of control. The man shot Jackson in the chest and Jackson shook it off and killed the guy on the spot. This type of masculinity is lost on our generation. We can't even fist fight now because its violent and barbaric. Jackson was known to say that he "rattled like a bag of marbles" due to all the bullets lodged in his body. His health was affected by this as he would cough up blood due to a bullet lodged in his lung. Incredible.
It is safe to say that Andrew Jackson is the manliest American of all time. High praise to be sure but well deserved. Andrew Jackson is the type of man we should all aspire to be. There will be a time when this type of manliness will be necessary. I hope we are all ready to carry on the legacy of Old Hickory.
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